


Scarred Soul

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Is a Bit Not Good, Lucifer Doesn't Need to Lie, M/M, Titles are hard, emotional torture, mentions of torture, season six
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 04:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5814025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sam was in Hell, Castiel came to rescue him.  Lucifer noticed him and gave Sam a choice: he could capture Cas and hold him there, or he could let Cas go and take Sam's body, if Sam's soul would stay behind.  Sam chose the latter.</p>
<p>When Sam's soul is rescued, nearly a year and a half later, he doesn't remember because of the wall.  What he does know is that every time he sees Cas, he can't help but feel like he's looking at someone who horribly betrayed him.  Dean has no explanation.</p>
<p>Then Sam's wall breaks, and Sam remembers everything...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scarred Soul

When Castiel took off after walking Sam through a year and a half of soulless memories he should have, Sam was left wondering what the hell was wrong with himself. There was Castiel, actually wanting to hug him, and he went and made things incredibly awkward. It was Cas. His friend. Dean’s best friend.

So why, when Sam looked at Castiel, did he feel like he was looking at a man who had hurt and betrayed him? Sure, they’d gotten off to a rough start, but things had gotten a lot better once Castiel realized Sam was sincere in his repentance and downright warm when the angel had seen just how much strength Sam had to draw on – well, that’s what Castiel said. Sam didn’t believe that, but he didn’t have another explanation for why things had been going so well after Famine.

Even Cas being the one to get the ball rolling on his idea of jumping into Hell, that wasn’t about Cas not caring what happened to Sam. He’d gotten the occasional glimpses, when Cas didn’t think anyone was looking, where holding in the pain was just too hard. He never said anything. Cas obviously didn’t want anyone to see.

 

“Cas. Friggin’ child.” Dean took a swig of his beer.

“It’s probably for the best, Dean. Something, somewhere, would have slipped. And I get why you were gonna lie about it, I do, but the longer you did the more pissed I was gonna be when I found out. And there are things I may _need_ to know about to keep me from digging around and scratching the wall.” Sam took a long swig of beer himself. “Like… when I was talking to Cas, I could barely look at him. Every time I did, it felt like I was looking at… God, I hope Cas will forgive me for this, but the closest I can thing of is looking at the Trickster six months after Broward County, before he reset the timeline and let me save you. Only Castiel’s supposed to be my friend, and we were never really friends with Gabriel.”

Dean shook his head. “Swear on the Impala, Sammy, I got nothing to explain that one. Cas said some pretty rude stuff to you but you gave back as good as you got. Maybe it’s because he never answered your prayers when you were soulless.”

“Damn. I’m gonna try not to scratch, but I can’t help being curious, you know that,” Sam said. Dean nodded; he knew.

 

“Sam, I’m the one who raised you from Perdition!” Cas cried, desperation evident in his voice.

Sam didn’t know what to think. But suddenly, the feeling of betrayal Cas brought out in him struck him. “Wait a minute. Did you raise me wrong… on purpose?”

“No! How can you even think that?” Cas asked. Sam wanted to believe the hurt and shock, but he couldn’t. He was back to not knowing what to think.

And then he wasn’t thinking at all. He was on the ground, clutching at his head, screaming. Blackness overtook him.

 

Cas watched in horror as Sam fell to the ground to lie rigid. Trapped in the holy fire as he was, he couldn’t do anything. “Dean. His wall.”

“What about it?” Dean snarled.

“I think it broke. I can’t check from here, but if I’m right, there’s no time to lose in getting him help. Let me go. Please,” Cas begged.

Dean shook his head. “Cas, I can’t trust a word you say right now. All I know, you did this.”

“I think I may have, inadvertently, by mentioning bringing him out of Hell,” Cas said, moving to the edge of the circle. “Dean, _please_. This isn’t for me. This is for Sam. If his wall’s broken, I may be able to help him. If it hasn’t, then I can try to figure out what _is_ wrong.”

Dean hesitated, looking to Bobby. Bobby heaved a long sigh. “Dean, I hate to say it, but Cas is right on one thing. Sam needs help now, and if it is the wall, then a human doc won’t be able to do a damn thing for him. This ain’t gonna resolve itself before the oil runs out. So you need to make your call, and you need to do it quick.”

 

Sam stared at himself. The other him was bloodied and filthy and looked… well, like Hell. “You’re the version of me who remembers Hell.”

“I am. And if you want out of here, you have to kill me and let me be part of you,” Hell!Sam said. “You don’t want these memories. No one wants these memories. I don’t want these memories, but I’m stuck with them. Turn around. Jess is somewhere in here. Go find her and live a happy, pretend life. Forget about reality. It’s really better that way and you know it.”

“No, it’s not,” Sam said. “If I thought that way, I’d have said yes to Lucifer and let the Apocalypse happen. You gonna fight me?”

“No, I guess not.” Hell!Sam stood up and pulled the tattered shirt off. “Just remember I warned you. You can’t handle these memories.”

Sam didn’t hesitate before he drove the knife home.

 

Lucifer laughed. He laughed a lot, in here. Torturing Sam amused him. Watching Michael slowly lose his mind amused him. And this? This definitely amused him. “Look, Sammy! There’s a visitor in the Cage!”

Sam stared. It was Castiel, he knew that even before the shadowed figure stepped into a pocket of light and Sam could see his face. What was Cas doing? He’d made Dean promise not to try to rescue him, and he’d told Bobby that he knew this was one-way and accepted that and made Bobby promise not to let Dean do anything stupid. It had never occurred to him that Cas might come for him.

“Hmm… what shall we do with our new toy?” Lucifer said. “He’s obviously here for you, nothing short of love would bring an angel down here voluntarily. The way he’s sneaking around, his plan relies on Michael and me not catching him. Should I capture him and have a new playmate? You seem like the type who’d be even more tortured watching me play with him than being on the flames yourself. And it would be nice to hear a different voice screaming every now and then. But then, if an angel’s trapped down here, Heaven might send a better-prepared rescue squad. If I let him go, though, he’ll just try again, and he’ll be better prepared himself next time. Might even get Dean involved.” Lucifer stopped and looked at Sam, tapping his fingers against his arm. “Or I could let him take your body, while your soul stays here with me. Then he’ll think you’re free and have no reason to come back. What’ll it be, Sammy? You and Cas both here, or Cas topside with your body but not your soul?”

Sam looked longingly at Cas, and a part of him wanted desperately to tell Lucifer to capture the angel. He’d get a rest from Lucifer’s attention, and there were moments when Lucifer was with Michael that he and Cas could take a break and, perhaps, actually have something good in Hell. But he couldn’t do it, couldn’t condemn Cas to this, couldn’t risk Heaven breaking open the Cage and Lucifer taking advantage to get out. “Give him my body and let him go.”

Lucifer looked surprised, but he snapped his fingers. Sam watched as Castiel rounded a corner and stopped short, stooping over a dark figure. “C-cas?” he heard himself saying.

“Shh. I’m here to get you, Sam,” Cas whispered. “Can you stand?” Sam’s body got to his feet, and Cas put a steadying arm around him as he swayed. Sam watched as his body followed Cas to the edge of the Cage, where Castiel recited a quick spell that opened a small hole. Michael took notice, finally, and flew quickly to the hole. He howled when he got there. Castiel turned back. “Michael, I’m sorry, but you’re too powerful to get through there. I couldn’t take the risk of Lucifer using my spell to get himself free.”

“Well, he’s not entirely stupid,” Lucifer said as he went to retrieve his brother. Sam slumped to the floor, a whole new level of despair washing over him.

 

“You know, Sammy, I have to say I’m surprised,” Lucifer said when he started reassembling the body parts he’d pulled out for a game of Operation. “I really thought Castiel would have noticed something wrong and come back to investigate.”

“Why would he? I’m up there, as far as he knows,” Sam said.

“Oh, your body is, sure,” Lucifer agreed pleasantly. “And your mind. But you don’t think he’d find it weird that you’re willing to accept collateral damage of children? That he’s not bothering to question you not having any contact with Dean?”

“What are you talking about?” Sam asked. It was him up there. Of course he’d have gone straight to Dean!

“Dean has no idea you’re supposed to be topside, and Castiel couldn’t be bothered to fill him in,” Lucifer said. “Did I ever tell you what happened when I captured him in Carthage?”

“Cas said you captured him and offered him a chance to join you and he told you to go back to Hell,” Sam said. “No big surprise there.”

“Oh, he didn’t tell me to go back to Hell,” Lucifer said. “He said he was never joining me, because that would mean letting me have you, and the only way that was happening was over his dead body. The rage, the determination… I really thought he was in love with you. Apparently I was wrong, because if he were in love with you, he’d have figured out the trick we played on him by now.”

“And come back, and you weren’t going to let him go a second time,” Sam realized. “Maybe… maybe he’s just been busy. I mean, with Michael down here, Heaven’s gotta be a mess right now.”

“Nah, Raphael’s got it under control, I’m sure,” Lucifer said. “It’s Heaven, not Hell. Easy as cake to rule.”

 

“Oh, Sammy!” Lucifer shook Sam out of the unconsciousness he’d been allowed. “I’m sorry, I meant to let you sleep a little while longer, but there’s news from the outside. Your brother and Cas finally figured out what’s wrong with you up there!”

“I made Dean promise not to come after me, and he’ll talk Cas out of coming back,” Sam said, with a lot more conviction than he felt.

“I wouldn’t be so sure. Dean’s all gung-ho about getting your soul out of here, but Cas doesn’t want to. Cas thinks it’s better this way,” Lucifer said. “Dean’s trying to work a deal with Death. It won’t work, there’s no way Dean will make it as Death even for just a day, but bless his heart he’s trying. Cas tried to talk him out of it.”

“Cas wouldn’t do that, not when it’s his mistake that needs fixing,” Sam said, but he was shaken. Had Lucifer been right? Lucifer had promised never to lie to him, claiming he didn’t need to. Sam had certainly never caught him in a lie.

“I think you mean Dean wouldn’t let Cas pussyfoot around fixing his mistake, but Cas told them he has no idea how Sam’s topside,” Lucifer said smugly. “Your boyfriend’s lying to you and Dean. He wants your soul down here for some reason.”

 

Sam’s eyes flew open and he sat up with a huge gasp. He looked around, taking a moment to realize where he was. He was in Bobby’s panic room, on the cot he’d spent so much time on dealing with demon blood hallucinations. He put his hands to his head, trying to focus through all the pain and fear and overload in his brain. Dean. He had to get to Dean, and they had to stop Cas from opening Purgatory.

A quick search of himself turned up a note in his pocket. It was only an address, but somehow, he thought he remembered Dean saying that’s where he’d be. There was an angel blade lying on the table. Dean had gone after Cas.

Sam staggered and stumbled as he climbed the steps leading outside, heading for a car he knew where Bobby kept the keys for. If there were anything less pressing than stopping Castiel, Sam would just call Dean and wait for Dean to come back and get him. He was in no fit state to drive. But he’d have to manage.

The weird pain and betrayal he’d been associating with Cas made sense now, Sam realized when he got to the room and heard Cas talking to Dean and Bobby. He knew it was foolish, that he was probably signing his own death warrant along with his family’s, but he had to give Cas the chance to explain why Lucifer was wrong. “Cas.”

“Sam!” Cas turned, a momentary flash of joyous shock crossing his face before it settled back into the cocky sneer. “You made it. Good for you.”

“Looks like your help wasn’t needed after all,” Dean said.

“And you’re very lucky it worked out that way. I probably could have spared Sam some very intense suffering, but you’re right, it seems he didn't need me to save his life,” Castiel said. “What was it like, Sam?”

“I remembered things. A lot of things. I remembered you coming for me in Hell, and leaving my soul behind. You didn’t know. It was a trick of Lucifer’s.” Cas nodded. “But then it took you a year and a half to notice? Why, Cas?” Sam’s voice shook a little as he finished.

“Because your body was up here, and I was busy with the fight against Raphael,” Cas said. “I found out later you were praying, but without a soul, I couldn’t hear them. Once I knew you were soulless, I knew how to listen for your prayers, but before then… nothing. I figured you'd gone to Dean and he'd told you I was going to be busy rebuilding Heaven in the wake of Michael's loss.”

That made sense, Sam had to admit. Still, there was the other part. The worse part. He couldn’t stop the tears from welling up as he asked, “Then why did you want to leave me there?”

“Because putting you back together was incredibly dangerous, and I knew that once I’d absorbed the souls from Purgatory, I’d be powerful enough to go get your soul and put it in Heaven where it belongs. If you died, well, your soul should have gone to Heaven, but there was a chance it could simply return to the Cage. If you didn’t die, you would likely be in so much torment that being out of Hell was no improvement. Leaving you in Hell for a little while longer was the safest path.”

“Cas…” Sam’s tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry. I should never have believed Lucifer. I should have trusted that you had good reasons. Now I know why being around you hurt so much.” He reached up to wipe away the tears.

“And yet you came here with an angel blade. You were going to kill me,” Cas said.

Sam nodded. “I… I still have to try, Cas. I’m sorry. I wish I’d figured this out sooner. You know, Rachel came and told me and Dean off for not acting like your friends. Maybe if… if I’d been… if I could have been a better friend, you could have talked to me before we got to the point where it was too late. I love you, Cas. I’m sorry.” He raised the blade and took a fighting stance.

Cas snapped his fingers. The room froze, except for Cas and Sam. The blade heated up until Sam dropped it. “They won’t hear any of what’s said until I release them. We’re outside of time. You said you love me. What do you mean?”

“I mean… Cas, I know we didn’t exactly start off with the best relationship, but toward the end there we got pretty close. I didn’t say anything at the time, but everything we went through, Carthage and Anna and Famine and our trip through Heaven, I started falling for you. I didn’t realize just how much you had come to mean to me until I thought you were dead, and then I was going to jump. I saw how much it was hurting you to help me do it, and I couldn’t add to that.”

“You knew?” Castiel said. “You never said.”

“You didn’t seem to want anyone to know, and I couldn’t do anything to make it better, why embarrass you?” Sam asked. “Of course, it never occurred to me to wonder why you were taking it so hard. Lucifer had a theory. He thought you were in love with me.”

“I was. I know you made Dean promise not to try, so I wouldn’t have gone to Hell because he asked, not that soon,” Cas said. “Why else would I risk Lucifer’s escape, cautious as I was?”

“Does it have to be too late for us, Cas? You’ve destroyed Raphael. I’m free. Let the souls go. Please.” Castiel opened his mouth, and Sam felt sure a denial was coming. “Cas, don’t make the mistake I made. My intentions were good, hunting and killing Lilith, but the blood corrupted me. Take a look at yourself. The souls of monsters? What are those going to do to you? I know you mean well, and you’ll start out doing a lot of good as the new God, but it’ll corrupt you. You’re an angel, Castiel, you were never meant to have that kind of power.”

The room unfroze. Castiel flew away, returning with a jar of blood. “Help me do the ritual again. Let’s get this gate open and the souls back where they belong.” He stopped and looked at Sam. “Wait. While I still have this power…” He reached out, touching Sam’s temple with two fingers. “Sam, I can’t rebuild your wall. When you put yourself back together, you destroyed the pieces that were left, and I don’t know how to build a new one from scratch. But I can take the memories on myself.”

“Do it,” Sam said. “I was right, the me that remembered Hell in my little mind trip… I don’t want these memories. I can’t handle them. I can feel them burning me, and it’s only gonna get worse, isn’t it.”

“It is not, because I’m altering them,” Castiel said. “There. You’ll remember things, somewhat, but it will be like a movie you once watched. Not something that happened to you. Now, let’s get the ritual done.”

When the ritual was over, Castiel was left in a crumpled heap on the floor. Dean and Sam knelt beside him. “Hey, man. You gonna be okay?” Dean asked.

“Ask me again when the throbbing stops and the fuzz is removed from my brain,” Cas said. “Sam. Are you going to be all right?”

“I’ll be fine,” Sam said.

“I was foolish, and I’m ashamed of myself for the past two years. You were partly right, Sam. The souls from Purgatory would have corrupted me. But the process had already started, with souls Crowley lent me from Hell. They’re in Purgatory now as well. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well, you did stop Raphael from restarting the Apocalypse and I don’t think you’ve destroyed the world, so you’re still one up on me,” Sam said, helping Cas get to his feet. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Sam and Dean helped Cas to the car. As they got close, Cas looked over to Sam. “Did you mean what you said, outside of time? Or were you just saying things to get me to stand down?”

“I meant it,” Sam said with a soft smile. “I only had the guts to tell you that because I was trying to get you to stand down, but every word was true.”

"Good." Cas settled into the back seat of the car and fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This came about as a result of an offhanded comment about Sam probably not choosing to be a soulless bastard. The plot bunny came just hopping right along, and I finally managed to write more than an outline and two paragraphs.
> 
> Comments are cookies for writers!


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